I Want to Be a Talking Head

Aug. 20, 2001

I want to be a talking head
Bobbing about upon your screen
Safe inside my little box
Is the only place where I'll be seen

As the station graphic swirls around
I'll debate enemies by satellite
Up until the commercial break
Proves which one of us is right

I will shout and interrupt
The other heads who vie for time
I'll do whatever it will take —
You know, our future is on the line!

I will address the vexing problems
That confront us at every turn
Like the whereabouts of Chandra Levy
And how Al Gore got burned

I want to be a talking head
So I can fearlessly predict
Dubya's every bumbled move
And his next garbled edict

Of the three-minute snappy segment
I shall become the acknowledged master
For there it does not matter what you say
Only that you say it faster

I want to join that noble caste
Known widely as the punditry
Brahmins of the information age
Who bicker with childish glee

In an instant I shall tell the world
What I think on every matter
I will fill the digital void
With my witless form of patter

I want to be a talking head
So it won't matter what I utter
My annoying vague inanities
Will be my bread and butter

I want to be a talking head
Trapped inside that cursed box
While the swirling station logo
Reveals that I'm on Fox —

Or MSBNC or CNN ...
Or, for chrissakes, even C-SPAN!
All the network brass should know
That no one fills up time like I can!

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